Sculpture Garden, National Gallery of Art. Spring 2011

I was looking through my journals from last year for inspiration for tonight’s post. I found this poem draft written some time between February 6 and February 9, 2011. The doubt I express in the poem is still what I struggle with most in my relationship with God. I know he exists. I struggle, however, with the idea of his love as constant, consistent, as a no-matter-what kind of love. And so when we get too close, I break it off before he can be the one to break my heart.

Dear Jesus

Forgive me for keeping my heart

but I have suffered enough heart

break from those who were supposed

to love you. I can believe

you are God. I can believe

you are divine, miraculous.

I want to believe you love me no

matter what but that seems a luxury

tax I can ill afford. What if I am wrong

again? I wish 70 x 7 miracles were

enough. I wish oceans of grace were

enough. I wish…