Open Letter to Marc Maron (Day 3)

… So knowing I can’t control my audience and yet knowing I’m compelled to write this all out loud, and knowing that the reason I want to write to you is that you say out loud all the things I should and I shouldn’t, how open can this letter really be, Mr. Maron?

What happens, I mean, if my mother finds out I think she’s a narcissist? Just typing those words, just thinking those words, just meaning those words is like firing a gun. Though it’s unclear if it’s aimed at my mother or aimed at myself. Is saying it out loud being self-aware and self-caring or is it self-destructive. I love my mother. We talk on the phone about TV shows and jewelry and the people she spies on at the mall. She calls me on my birthday and sometimes just because. Still, that feeling that I’m making nice with my (emotional) abuser persists, but what’s the alternative? I wasn’t estranged from my father, not in a no phone calls, no contact way. I dutifully showed up once a year at least and called him on his birthday and Father’s Day. I’ve endured years of picking out Mother’s Day cards and Father’s Day cards with my stomach knotted tight because there were no right words, no dutiful words, no pretty words that didn’t highlight exactly what I didn’t have with my parents. And yet I never quite broke the connection. I ran, as the song goes, I ran so far away, and still my relationship with my parents, broken and landmined as it was, as it sometimes continues to be, persisted. Does that make me courageous or a coward? Am I a narcissist too?

How do you say these things out loud Mr. Maron, week after week, in front of live audiences? Are you trembling even as you break into that great barking laugh of yours the way I’m trembling now as my fingers determinedly march across the keyboard? Perhaps the question is—how does one survive being self-aware and aware too of all the barren places propping you up?

I should tell you here that I’m 45…

To be continued…

Posted on January 3, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I’ve read them all and will continue to read. Thus far, two thoughts come to mind: 1. How very brave of you on multiple fronts; and 2. I wonder how I’d feel if I were the esteemed Mr. Maron and the object of this type of letter? Would I engage? What would I think? Hmm….

    • I don’t know that I expect him to engage. It’s really, I think, and open letter to myself rather than to him. At the same time, though he’s a comedian and I’m a poet, I feel like we work in the same space of using our art practice to become more self-aware and to deal with the ish that’s still lingering after decades, and his podcast monologues, in particular, seem to send me into that space. On the other hand, I’d probably fall over from shock and happiness if he did respond in some way. 🙂

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