Letter From My 48th Year (Feb 5)
If you were to burst into my apartment right now, you’d see me sitting at the white table that is once again covered with papers and plastic bags from various purchases and the unopened sampler package of various blue-black pens I ordered a few days ago from a Japanese company because I saw their ad on Instagram. I thought, Oh, it includes a fountain pen; maybe I’ll finally like them.
I am also wearing my brother’s hat, a gray plaid flat cap that I stole from him four years ago at my father’s funeral, and my oversized blue wireless headphones. Since I’m home I should switch to the wireless speaker, but there’s something comforting about the weight of the headphones, and though I’m home by myself in an apartment in which I live alone, I still feed like I need a barrier from the world.
I’m sorting through poems: a batch to send for some mysterious thing a friend is proposing me for and can’t tell me anything about (my CIA dossier?) and another batch for possible inclusion in an online newsletter. They’re all new poems so they’re all about my father and so I suppose the cap and the headphones are a kind of armor, a reminder to stay vigilant against what the poems can do. Yesterday I read one out loud for the first time in a long time and it brought tears to my eyes, so, yes, armor.
I had another idea about what I was going to write today but I can’t remember what it was. I could’ve scribbled it down but I truly believe that—usually—the best ideas stick around. And maybe what I needed to write about tonight is how hard it is to plunge back into these poems. What I really want to do is watch another episode of Lucifer or Broad City. What I don’t want to do is walk around like an exposed nerve for the next couple few weeks as I try to finish this book. What I am going to do is walk around like an exposed nerve for the next couple few week as I try to finish this book. I feel I should write something else here, resolve the chord so to speak. But I suppose that’s what all this writing and reading and editing of poems is working toward.